The Almighty Swaddle aka Baby Burrito!

Before I was born I could hear my parents talking about this business of swaddling. To tell you the truth..i didn’t know what the F%$K to think! My mom would say swaddle and my dad would say “oh the baby burrito!!!!” BABY BURRITO!!??! Were these people going to eat me!?!?That didn’t sound like much fun at all so I was a little cautious at first! But man oh man was I wrong to not INSTANTLY trust my parents….I looooved me some swaddling! My very first swaddle: day 1!

I have to admit that it didn’t hurt that my parents were like MASTER SWADDLERS by the time I arrived! They would lay around in their bed and watch you tube videos of babies being swaddled! Then they would practice on Mamas old cabbage kids! Brilliant!! Here is mamas favorite swaddling HOW-TO video that she found for Papa! This really helped them both:

That shooshing STILL GETS ME TO SLEEP!

here are some of my many happy swaddling moments for you to see:

Me at the hospital so toasty and warm!

Daddy and I getting to know each other!

Time-to-leave-the-hospital swaddle!

The so-happy-to-be-swaddled swaddle!

Seepin-on-the-mama Swaddle

Chillin-wit-my-seahorse swaddle!!

My stellar-impersonation-of-a-glow-worm Swaddle!

seepin-on-the-deeds swaddle

The Happy-cousin swaddle

and then I started to break out…mom and dad would call it the Houdini…whatever that means! I just felt like …’look Im almost 5 weeks old and I need a little space in my swaddle..a little breathing room!’ So I would “Houdini” my left arm out all the time! Like so:

Or thee ol’ VOGUE SWADDLE….

Eventually I liked both arms out and have ever since:

Oh and one last thing….you cant swaddle a baby to put them in a car seat but I really liked this version of the swaddle that my mama came up with! It made me feel safe and warm and…well…swaddled!!!

Any blanket will really do for swaddling but I really really liked these ones my Grandma eva got me called Aden + Anais! Follow the link here to find the softest most comfy ones:

Best Swaddling Blankets

 

Happy Swaddling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know I could DJ!?!?

ok …well…NO REALLY! But I sure do have the movements down! When I’m old enough my daddy is going to teach me! He has all these crazy records that he calls GEMS…whatever that is! My mommy has records too but she is actually singing on them! That totally trumps Daddys GEMS! hehe! Crazy thing about my Mom and Dad is they met in 1998 for the first time when my Mommy was singing for this huge event in Miami called ENVY and daddy was catering her VIP dressing room for her and her dancers! Mama said there was food and drink and all kinds of stuff …like she was a real star! She sang for over 10,000 people that night with a few guys called Mike and Charlie that Daddy happen to know as well! After that night they didn’t see each other again until 2006 when their friend Ginger tried to set them up! When daddy finally took Mommy on their first date Daddy realized that Mommy was the singer he had met so many years earlier!! Crazy right!??! Its like that meant-to-be, fate kind of stuff! Daddy sometimes says “I CANT BELIEVE I MARRIED JAIME Z!!” That was Mamas singing name back then! Mama seems to get a kick out that when he says it! They pretty much are the most loviest people I’ve ever met…even though I haven’t met thaaaat many people..I still think they might the LOVIEST!

im a lucky boy.

 

Super lucky…..

Driving Me Insane

Howwwwww shall I put this nicely!?!??!

Tampa Drivers SUCK!

I remember Mama telling Papa when I was in the womb that he would have to stop cursing at other drivers after I was born! Lets just say he hasn’t mastered that yet! As you can see in the driving pic above….I’M PRAYING…for us all!!

I’m not even facing the front and I know S^&T is messed up! I hear a lot of “ARE YOU F^%ING KIDDING ME!?!?” or “LOOK AT THIS GUY…BET HE’S ON HIS CELL PHONE!” He even called some woman a “DIRTY WH%#E” and I don’t even know what a WH%#E is but I know it’s not good! Lately he has been a little better but that doesn’t mean that the driving around has gotten any better! Mama says they make up their own road rules. Now that sounds like fun! Daddy said its so dangerous that he is going to buy me a tank for my first ride….RIGHT FREAKING ON!!! Ima need that in writing please! PIMP MY TANK!

One day Pop Pop emailed me asking me when I was gonna come over to swim!? He told me I could even bring my parents which was really nice. I emailed him back saying thank goodness I could bring them cause I was totally checking out this car I wanted but I couldn’t reach the pedals so I haaaad to bring my folks so they could drive! My mama said give it about 15 or 16 years and Id be able to reach! So I got that goin’ for me!!!!

Anyhow it was the first time we had really driven to Coco and Pop Pops so I was unfamiliar with the route! There’s a road called the VETS which I think has something to do with animals but I’m a baby so I could be wrong! Anyhow, here we are the cute little family driving down the Vets and people are ZOOMING BY US like we are standing still! Papa is even going over the speed limit a little, I know this ’cause mom noticed and that wasn’t pretty!

Now you have to understand that my car seat is facing these oncoming JACKA$$ES coming at me like RUNAWAY TRAINS! I mean..I’m a kid..I love me some trains but not when they are coming RIGHT at me at like a hundred and fifty gazillion miles an hour! F^%K that! That’s when I started to pray …yeah, this pic 

I was all like “OHhhh MY FREAKING ANGELS PLEASE HELP GUIDE US TO COC AND POP POPS SO I CAN GET MY SNUGGIES AND GO SWIMMING!!!!                                    (you can read about that on my SWIM DAY BLOG and I GOT ROBBED blog as well!)

It seemed to help a little bit but I could still see people ride up on us and throw their hands in the air like we were in their way! Then without warning they would whip around us and then cut Daddy off! No blinker or nothin! What is wrong with these people!? Is there something I missed!? Did we do something to make them that mad! Can’t they see there is a tiny lil baby in the car!? Weird right!? They scowl and give us mean eyes …

SO….I decided to give it right back to them! Like this….

 Look how stressed out they make me!?

Hey TAMPA!!! Slow down!!!

I’m exhausted.

Time for Le Nap!

Now, FIRE Z’ MISSILES!!!!!

(hehe…i kid i kid)

My C!

So…..this is my C!

 

She was one of the very first people to find out about me because mama and C were working together at the Dogs Bollocks in Ybor (best freaking bar everrrrr) and Mama wasn’t gonna be able to work there in order to grow me in her belly! Soooo yeahhh…..me and C go waaaaay back! Back to the WOMB! I finally got to canoodle her last night. I didn’t have a chance…I was in love pretty quickly! How could I not!?!? She snatched me up so fast..there was no time! I WAS SUCKED IN! It doesn’t hurt that she loves me parents so much. I figured anyone that loves them..I TOTALLY LOVE! C is super popular so I got a little extra attention last night and you know I dont mind that!! We then had our photo shoot! I must say I LOOK DAMN CUTE….and C was ultra comfy!

 

 

Cant wait to hang out with her again! I hear she knows karate or something like that….or at least I thought all asians did. That’s what mama told me anyhow!

Diaper Genie Etiquette

Im not here to make judgement or call anyone out but I’m a baby so I can say whatever the hell I want….

The Diaper Genie …..

IS AWESOME! LOL (gotcha)!

Seriously, that thing holds more poops then I’d ever imagine it could or would!  BUTT what you have to do with the diapers is an art-form….origami, if you will?! But before I get to that lets talk about the cleaning itself since some HAVE NO CLUE how do wipe my butt! After you open the tabs and unleash the fury you have to be quick and use the inside of the diaper to get some of the EXCESS TOXIC WASTE off my bum!! Then you fold the diaper down so I have a clear place to land and get ready for Aloe WIPEAGE! Use AS MANY WIPES as it takes to get that S^%T off me! I mean it….LITERALLY!  Once all is clear…put the wipes in the folded diaper and close it as tight as you possibly can! Heres a little demo to help you!!

Step 1: MAKE SURE POOP IS “INSIDE” THE FOLD!

STEP 2: ROLL IT SUPER TIGHT TOWARDS THE TABS! (careful poop doesnt shoot out of the sides…ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE on CHIPOTLE BEAN DIP DAYS (see 50 SHADES OF POOP Blog for more on that!)

YOU NOW HAVE A  S#$T BURRITO:

Whatever you do …DONT EAT IT!!

STEP 4: FOLD 1 TAB AS FAR AS YOU CAN DIAGONAL/OVER:

Use the velcro to secure it!

STEP 5: FOLD OTHER TAB IN SAME MANNER!

Look at that…A S!#T MEATBALL!!! hehe~

You now have yourself a nice little weapon of GAS DESTRUCTION! BE VERY VERY CAREFUL! THrow it in the Diaper Genie like so:

Let go of pedal and VOIIIILAAAA, like Magic that $HIT is GONE!!!

DONT: KEEP THAT LID OPEN TOOO LONG!

DO: USE ARM AND HAMMER BAKING SODA FROM DAY1!!!

At first my parents made the mistake of throwing ALL THE DIAPERS in there! I kept telling my mom…MY PEE DON’T STINK MOM…MY POOPS DO! (aaand how…Award winning stank) So we would blow through the diaper genie replacement bags! She finally smartened up and took Papas advice and bought a backup can for the pees and saved the almighty Diaper Genie for my Almighty S%$T bags! And man has that saved some time and MONEY! ! !

So here’s the set up….Diaper Genie to keep all my stinks captive on the left and our non toxic pail on the right!! Works like a charm!!! The whole set up is pretty fantasticle:

<<—official A$$WIPE station!

Pretty nifty huh!?!? And yes that’s my uber cool name art on the wall that my mama designed at her Saturday Morning Ybor City market…so fun!!! She used to walk around there when she was very very prego with me and get all kinds of attention! The vendors with the name art were so friendly, Mama went back twice and got my whole name! They have numerous photos of each letter and you pick n’ match em up! Guncle Zac has one too!! The vendors really thought the Mama did an awesome job ..check it out:

SUCH FUN! And they totally said they wanted to meet me after I hatched!

Note to self: Get Mama and Papa to take me to market! ! !

Now accepting Diaper Genie questions and concerns:

EDITORS NOTE:

bwaaaahhahahahhaaaa…..My mama and papa are so funny..they had the refill in upside down in the pic up there..nowonder it was stinky….there was a diaper but no GENIE about it! tetteehhehee!! here is a pic of what it should actually look like: